Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
