Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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