Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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