just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
