I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
