i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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