you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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