It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
