My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
