Your mouth is God's brothel.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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