remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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