im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize