you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
