my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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