well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
