Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
