how can u be prego again
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
