hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
