I cannot find my penis.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
