He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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