she smelled like a LAN party
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
