Soap is not a condiment
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
We talked him into tasing himself.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
