i think my tv is drunk
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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