Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
