I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
