is your mom at the bar?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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