My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
