I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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