i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
being pregnant is like rehab
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
