You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
