I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
