You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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