Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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