I'm sorry my penis didn't work
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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