one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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