My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
