she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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