Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
whose parrot is this?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
