I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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