There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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