mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
