I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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