Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
