Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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