I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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