I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
