dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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