i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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