...so i touched it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
