I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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