I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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