I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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