I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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