I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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