So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
