Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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