maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
