I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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