My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
